I am behind on work.
I am severely behind on work.
I am severely behind on work, because I am depressed.
I am depressed because … I am severely behind on work.
Fuck you, circular logic. Let’s restart.
I am depressed because…
I stay up all night watching random shit on youtube.
This happens (Fuck you, self-victimization.) I make this happen once, twice weekly or sometimes every other night.
If it’s not youtube, it’s reddit. If it’s not reddit, it’s real estate sites like streeteasy. If it’s not streeteasy, it’s tv. If it’s not tv, it’s sleeping. If it’s not sleeping (usually in the daytime), it’s socializing and drinking. If it’s not hangovers, it’s obsessive-compulsive cleaning and organizing.
I am addicted to … stimulus.
That’s basically what all addictions are. You want to be stimulated and you want it so badly you become irresponsible. Boredom will probably not induce much fear, but the fear of it is exactly what you are running away from.
Fear of boredom. Fear of emptiness.
Remember: The very first Itch to satisfy your addiction is a feeling. It’s just a feeling. Feelings come and go. You simply need to get into a habit, a routine, a discipline of 1) acknowledging the Itch by saying a little line like Thank you, Mind, for bringing this Itch up to me; 2) letting it pass through your thoughts and feelings; and 3) keeping your day going.
Mike Tyson, while reflecting his extensive time in rehab, noted, “It’s not a tough man’s world. It’s a thinking man’s world.”
I know I said explanations don’t amount to much and that solutions are much more critical, even on a trial-and-error basis.
However, I sense this…
This will help.