I miss you, Mike.

I mean mic.

It’s been several weeks since I went on stage.

You’re totally not a phallic symbol.

And I’m totally not putting you near my open mouth.

And I’m totally not gay.

Just a little gay.

A little gay like a short homo, like Tom Cruise?

Or a little gay like you’re only gay on Tuesdays?

Say, Tommy Cruise and I are the same height. Fun fag. I mean fact.


It’s Fri-yayyyyyyyyyy

It’s 8pm.

I want to party.

But I also want to work and get shit done.

Considering I woke up late and started work today at 2pm. So my work “appetite” isn’t quenched, I s’pose.

I want to get ‘ish done for my “K” client. It’s much easier and more motivating for me these days when I think of getting ‘ish done for a specific client. It’s make this impersonal and objective work much more personal and dramatic.


Minus Fifteen

It’s cold. And 4am.

Might as well go to work.

Thank you, my little dungeon for being my little dungeon.

Thank you, my new Timberland boots. We gotta do work this winter.

Thank you, my work. Glad to be running my own little business and not for the man.

Thank you, seven train. But I’m not fucking with you this morning. It’s minus fifteen afterall.

Thank you, Lyft driver. Hope the best for your little girl.

Thank you, dumbfounded. Rebel on.

Thank you, weak ass espresso at my office. You’re free and warm.


Fucking Golf Ball

I am an asshole.

And I know that.

I just want to let you know I know I am an asshole.

But I’m not apologizing.

If I hurt you it’s because 1) I fucking didn’t mean to, but your fucking ego got in the way, so really I didn’t hurt you, you just hurt yourself, sort of like you punching your own face but with my fist …

… or 2) I was counter-assholing your assholeness.

… or 3) I didn’t take my anti-asshole pills that day, so I just went off on you. I hate these fucking pills. I have to take them rectally. Who knew you had to take anti-asshole pills through your asshole? Fucking fair, I guess. And each of these pills is the size of a fucking golf ball. Fuck me, literally.


Admitting my own assholeness doesn’t justify my offensive behavior, I know. But there’s just one person I have to please and that’s this fucking asshole.

It’s not easy for me to make me happy.